Unlikely Pairing…

…or why love has to be likely?


This is not a blog about being in love, yet. This is a blog about spending time with someone that is incredibly special to you. This is a blog about the image of that person and yourself not making sense to society. This is a blog about how I truly am a walking conundrum and I don’t care.


co·nun·drum
kəˈnəndrəm/
noun

  • a confusing and difficult problem or question.
  • a question asked for amusement, typically one with a pun in its answer; a riddle.

I think for a majority of my life it really did bother me what other people though of the person I was involved with. I never looked for someone that matched me in aesthetics or personality. I looked for someone that met me in terms of heart.

There is something attractive about the sexual orientation of Pansexuality. I have embraced this lable to the fullest. I never felt comfortable being straight, gay, or bisexual. I would rather fall in love with personality. Half the joy of falling in love is finding the secret hidden behind the person’s eyes. The person that is inside them, their thoughts, their passions, and so much more.

It’s one of the reasons that I feel in love with Diane Arbus’ work. She could capture, what some would call (and what some would not), the soul of the person. I can’t imagine life where my focus were only on the way someone dresses, weighs, does their hair, or overall looks.


I’m here now to say that I no longer allow society to define for me whom I should love. Why would I assume anyone else knows my heart, mind, and soul. Who are they to know what I yearn for? I yearn for someone that inspires me. I yearn for someone that makes me laugh and cry by sharing experiences with. I want unconditional love, strong passion, and ambition that stretches miles.

Today I was told that someone I care about and myself make an “unlikely pairing.” I thought about it for a while trying to see if in fact we were an unlikely pairing. I am truly inspired by this person. He has passion in what he does and I think that is incredibly sexy. We laugh together and we complement each other. I love the aesthetic that we make as a pairing and I don’t understand how  nobody else does.

There is a breeze out in the world and it’s bringing awareness. We can start changing the tides by being with people we truly want to be with. Doing this without care of what people think. It’s our lives not theirs. Lets live them.

Positivity Fridays:2

Before I release the quote this Friday to your ever watchful eyes I want you to have a snippet of background. I am in love with the Cinema. It is the most magical place in the human created world that I could possible thing of. There are stories, adventures, fear, love, hate, and so much more being unloaded into our conscious awareness. It’s like a warm hug on a cold snow covered day. It’s the tickle of a warm macchiato as it runs down your throat. It is something, everything, and nothing at all.

For a period of time the commercials that play before the previews play before the movie plays was a Sprite commercial. Sprite for a while knew exactly what to say and do to make me crave Sprite. Drake was the artist that was advertising for them and this lyric hit me like a major league pitch square into the face.

One last thing: Visualize yourself successful and you will be successful!


Last name ever
First name greatest
Like a sprained ankle boy I ain’t nothing to play with. – Forever by Drake


Gratitude Journal:

1. Having the joy of laughing with a spectacular person.

2. A really great grade on a test.

3. Getting my vacation request for a Seattle Trip approved!

I’m Fat!

I’m not entirely sure where to start this entry at. Most people when there hear me talk about the varying ways that others have tormented me because of my weight instantly go into a, “but you’re so skinny” defense mode.’

I currently weight 160lbs give or take a few due to water weight and so on and so forth. I used to was 285lbs before I stopped weighing myself. I was such a failure in my own eyes, like I had mentioned before,  and I gave up.

I don’t have a flat stomach and I’m suppose to be accept my body for it’s imperfections. Unfortunately, I cannot accept my body shape. I lost weight originally because I lost my job and could no longer afford a steady meal. However that turned into an eating disorder that stemmed right from my childhood.

Today it’s been four years since my eating disorder took hold of me and spread like wild fire through my veins. It burned me to the ground and I became a decaying carcass on the side of the road. 138lbs of dried hard leather and bone.

Some people may look at me and say, “138 isn’t that skinny.” Oh well, when your 5’6″ and you are a big boned woman 138lbs makes you look like you’ve been dying for years. Now that I’ve gained 20lbs, give or take a few, I’m still not at all happy.

I’m still struggling to this day with an eating disorder. It takes a lot out of me to not go to the gym every day. I look at many many calories every day. I look at anything and everything I eat as either good for me or extremely bad for me.

Here’s the thing that makes me upset right now. With the body positive world emerging I want to be happy with my own. But I’m not. I’m so angry that my stomach is flabby, my arms look like saggy wings, and my tits have no form, my thighs not only touch but have extreme make out sessions daily. Still, every day there is still someone that says, “Oh you’re so skinny.”

And my heart descends to low depths. I look more closely at what I’m eating and go to the gym more. I start to weigh myself more and more.

I just want someone to help me be healthy and not just try to figure out how to love my body the way it is. This is truly what I want and I can’t because I look sickly when I don’t eat and I feel like a bloated whale when I do.

This is not a positive post but this is an honest one.

Elitist:

Or rather, What being called an Elitist has done to me.


I was never a very ambitious person when it came to my future. It has a lot to do with being told during my entire childhood that I should only aspire to being a wife with children. Despite my exterior fight against fitting into the role my father wanted of me I still internally strove only for a relationship that would eventually sustain my children and myself.

I went though so many crappy relationships and games that masqueraded as relationships until I was beaten down by it. I couldn’t at all be anything if there wasn’t a man to take care of me. I became a failure in my own definition. I gave up on life and tried very hard to end it.

Suicide is never a laughing matter and I try so hard to get people away from their suicidal thoughts and behaviors. It’s part of what I want to do when I graduate in addition to many other things. So when I talk about my own suicidal ideation know that I take it very serious.

My most serious suicidal attempt was when I had felt that I completely failed myself. I had allowed yet another man to control my mind and alter my opinion of myself. It wasn’t lying in a hospital bed connected to wires or the run of psychiatrist appointments that consumed my time after.

It was the memory of a professor calling me a fellow “elitist” that really drove it home for me. Not that it is a positive word in it’s definition but the thought of it in more of an academic term is where I want to be.

I am in love with the academic world and want to achieve so much. I want to graduate with honors. I want to change lives and create new possibilities. I want to work with the broken hearted and change the role woman have in this world. I want to inspire other woman and encourage children who hurt within the death of their souls.

If that makes me a snob. Then I’ll live it and I’ll own it. I am an elitist. I am an academic. I am a feminist. I am Furiosa.

Positivity Fridays

I do not plan on spending much, if any, time on the blog over the weekends although that may end up changing. As I’m new to the experience of trying to actual set up, run, and promote this blog I’m not entirely sure as to what I may want to do with it just yet.

Fridays I do have a plan for. I want to spend it on positivity only. The thing about living with Suicidal Ideation stemming from multiple disorders is that you have a constant battle going on within your head and heart. I am trying to do a few things to counter this consistent battle.

I am going to try and start each Friday out with a quote that I am trying to use to remind myself to stay on the up an up. Then I’m just going to give three things I’m grateful for from the past week. I may or may not go into detail on those three things. However, this is pretty much where I’m at with Friday’s so far.

Here we go!


“When one door is closed, don’t you know that many more are open”
― Bob Marley


Gratitude Journal:

1. Starting my first really great week of summer classes! -Cognitive Psychology!

2. Getting my car fixed.

3. Having a phone conversation with my Godson.

Flirting For Tips

I am currently employed at a place where flirting is an extremely good way to get tips. It’s a public and family friendly establishment that helps me get through school. So what I guess what I would like to know from any of my readers is what are your opinions on flirting for tips?

A few ways you can look at it is:

I. Am leading someone on for money?

– If they’re not looking for a relationship or even interested in the person, should one still flirt with another person for monetary reasons? It leads right into the second point.

II. Am I selling a part of myself for money?

– Isn’t it a more legal way of just selling a part of yourself for money? Especially if there is absolutely no interest in the other person other then a tip they can put into your topic. It’s not that there isn’t a craft being done as my job but as the social aspect seems to be there real thing that the customers are looking for.  So what we do is treat customers like they are the one and only person in our hearts and that we would literally do anything for them.

III. If a person is in a relationship and flirt for tips is it stepping on relationship boundaries?

– One thing that I believe that a heathy relationship has are boundaries. I’m not talking about irrational boundaries involving “Don’t talk to other girls, let alone look at them,” or “I don’t want to spend time with your friends.” But boundaries that encourage unfaithfulness. I do believe that people will often face times of temptaion despite how convinced they are extremely faithful. With that being said, Do you think that flirting for tips is one of these times that it’s crossing that relationship boundary.

Despite the fact that flirting for tips is practically part of my job but it’s often leaves me with customers connected to me that make me feel very gross. They make me feel vile about myself. It takes me back to my previous relationship where I literally feel like a whore at times. I really wish that for school I could work at a job that I held more my self esteem better.

Opinions are absolutely welcome.