Or rather your sexualness? Sexual Prowness? Sex Drive?
I have always been a fairly sexual being. It is probably due to some early life experiences but today is not the day to devulge into that. Regardless, I grew up loving sex. I also think that despite my early experieces my love for sex was also a fairly genetic trait.
Although for most of my life, my youth moving into my early adulthood years, I didn’t partake in sex. Why? Because of the social stigma that went along with being a bigger girl. You’re fat so you are obviously not allowed as well as not capable of having a sexual relationship. As I started to loose weight the stigma droped like the pounds. This only proved to me the power of social stigmas. That somehow the world began to believe that bigger women were disgusting and that skinny woman are the desired populus.
As more people came to me with interest in relationships I was more and more opened to having the sexual experiences I so craved to have all of my life. So I became a sexual power house. I wanted to have sex all the time. Three years later I still want to have sex – all the time. This, in society, is considered to be the “male sex drive.” Well, hate to say it everybody, but I am not a man and I do like sex.
I naïvely didn’t believe this was a problem until I took part in my last relationship. I dated a guy who said that “sex wasn’t a big deal to him” and I told him “I really like sex, like a lot.” So we decided to try and work that out and engaged in the relationship regardless. We made out like sex deprived teenages and had sex almost every day we saw each other. This made me extremely happy as our relationship seemed to lean towards my sexual drive and maybe he under sold his sexual drive.
We kept the topic of sex an alway open conversation. We moved, grew, changed, and experimented together. Nothing seemed at all amiss. We loved each other and we loved to be together.
Or so I thought.
Before I go further into this I should explain that I do not engage in a relationship and demand that I have emotionless sex with someone. I was in love with this guy and sex became a way to share that love with him, which made me want to have it all the more. Yes, it feels good, but it is also our love being expressed and shared together.
Insert the “male sex drive” stigma now. He became cold and aloof towards sex and took on the roll of determining when we were actually going to engage in it. We would fight about how I “Always pressured him to have sex.” I started to feel like a whore in my own relationship, one that I had thought was built on mutual love but would be so proven wrong. I was so embarassed to bring it up and eventually stoped even trying to make out with him. I would get overly self conscious when day after day I was denied sex and treated like a sex crazed slut.
I was being denied my sexuality.
When we would talk about it earlier in our relationship we had agreed that sex was an important part of a relationship to remain healthy. Not all the time maybe but at least a few times of the week. We agreed that we would not turn into our parents and would keep that healthy balance becuase it isn’t okay for one partner to determine the sexual relationship. Low an behold thats exactly what happened and my insecurity grew, my depression grew, and my suicidal ideation grew. In my perspective I was no longer desired and I was just a whore.
Thankfully my relationship came to a close.
I don’t apologize for who I am. I can only learn from my past relationships. What I’ve learned from this is that I was supject to a lot of mental termoil over myself and was made to feel disgusting. NO LONGER. I like sex and I will not apologize for that. I like expressing my love with my partners in a sexual way. I will not apologize. I am a woman not a man. I am not driven by male instincts but rather human ones and I will not apologize.
I do not feel a loss in my relationship but feel a great sense of ease. I cannot allow myself to be controlled that way by another human being ever again. Nor should any woman that also enjoys sex. It is our tinem to fight for what we are and what we like, want, desire.
We are Furiosa.