Positivity Friday: 6

“Have Courage and Be Kind.”

One thing that is lacking in my life right now is kindness. I also offer up the advice to you to remove peke from your life that aren’t kind and are there for you. 

Gratitude Journal:

  1. I had a very supportive partner. 
  2. I found five dollars in my pocket.
  3. I resolved an issue in shipping from a package I have been waiting on. 

Body Image…

…or how I don’t have the right one.


Body image. Shit will this topic every take one for the team and just disappear already. I am not happy in my skin. Whether or not that is due to what society had pushed on me all my life I don’t like it. When I lived in my skin hangs loose from weight loss, my breasts are not the perky American style, I have scars littering it, skin literally revolts against anything put on it or anything that I consume, and I still have a ways to go in my struggle with weight. 

When that is where I am in my own time imagine the struggle I have when listening to others talk about body images that they deem fit for humans. I get equally upset when someone calls a man too fat or too skinny. If that man is put down for not having a six pack.

Then there is the struggle of what your partner looks at. That image doesn’t match you at all and you think twice about whether or not you are actually fulfilling them in any way at all.

I think society is so keen on torturing people into disorders and they are completely aware of what they are doing. They don’t care if you are falling to pieces as long as you fit into their size 0 clothes and you don’t have any sagging skin either. You must be perfectly fit to associate with them.

I am doing this rant because at this point I think my eating disorder has done it’s irreversible damage. I’m too scared to even tell my doctors that for two years I had anorexia nervosa and that even now I struggle with and uncategorized eating disorder. That I can’t consume certain things because I’m scared of weight gain and that the hunger pains I get are often so intense that I can’t move.

Why is it okay for a gay man, of all people, tell me that I’m not skinny enough causing me to crash into my disorder with full force. Why is it okay for a classmate to discuss people as fat or not fat? Why is it okay for stores to sell clothing that don’t fit any average persons body type and if you do find your size it’s actually three sizes smaller? Is that meant to encourage me to lose weight? More then anything it encourages me to break down into tears live in self loathing.

Models can’t be tattooed. Why? Women can’t have stretch marks. Why? Men can’t be skinny they have to be built. Why?

Better question: Why do we allow it?

Positivity Fridays: 5

Don’t Make Change Too Complicated, Just Begin!

When life hit me harder then ever before I didn’t even stumble when change came knocking my way. If I didn’t take hold of the beautiful things that came my way I would be absolutely miserable right now. I would not be living. I’d still be chained down and oppressed.


Gratitude Journal:

1. Doing well on my first exam for my 2nd Summer Semester Class.

2. Spending a relaxing morning with my Partner.

3. Not having to wear my heart monitor anymore.

Positivity Fridays: 4

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” -Neale Donald Walsh

Health is a huge issue for me. I’m trying to live to the fullest regardless. When I have more energy I will hopefully be able to go through more with you.


Gratitude Journal.

1. Having a good first week in my second summer semester class.

2. Being able to stay in contact with my favorite professors.

3. having really fun nights with my partner.

the Whistle

Today I am pouring myself a sweet glass of Captain Morgan Perfect Stock and Coke and venting ever so slightly. Here’s the thing gentleman and I’m going to try to say it as plainly as I possible can.

Do Not, you may have missed that bit, DO NOT Whistle at me. I am not a piece of ass that you can claim. I am not easy to get girl whose knees crumble as soon as you treat her cheap. I am a hard working woman that thrives for success and demands respect. YOU do not have the right, again you may have missed that bit, YOU do not HAVE THE RIGHT, to treat me like an animal you have some claim over.

After this disgusting display of manhood I wanted to binge eat chips and reduce my property value. I shouldn’t have to wish ugliness or weight onto myself so that men will leave me alone. Men should just leave me alone.

If you want to compliment me please use your words. Tell me that I’m beautiful. Tell me that you admire my ambition or intellect. Tell me you aspire to have my motivation. But DO NOT, whistle at me like a dog.

I am a human being not an animal. I am a partner not property.

I’m a cool fucking cat again cat calls.

Wild: 

Wild, An untameable creature. What am I? Am I something that can be well defined? Am I something that makes little to no sense? What am I? I feel like sometimes there are so many facets to who I am and at other times I am absolutely void of any degree of depth. 

Wild

adjective

1. (of an animal or plant) living or growing in the natural environment; not domesticated or cultivated.

2. uncontrolled or urestrained, especially in pursuit of pleasure. 

Aren’t we all in some way wild? I have defenitely evolved into an entirely new creature since the month and a half prior. Something grew and changed inside me that erupted into this entirely fierce person that knows what she wants and strives for the things that she longs for. I think in all definitions, in all languages, in all images it has ever been portrayed in what I discoveded was true and unadulterated love. 

Love, not for another human being in any sense. I mean, I’m in a relationship and I’m completely happy and safe in it, so please don’t misunderstand. I am in love with the person that lives inside of me. ME. I am strong and determined. Every day there are trials and sometimes it gets really hard to deal with. The real trick in my evolution is that I am dealing. I am taking life’s punches, I’m getting knocked down, and I’m losing myself at times. Isn’t that half of the crazy journey. I’ve also discovered great beauty. In these past few weeks I’ve learned to laugh. I’m talking about gut rumbling, ab creating, out or breath and out of mind laughing. I’ve begun creating again which I lost a long time ago. I see beauty in the little things and allow comfort in situations that normally would throw me into a anxiety attack. One of my favorite quotes is the Spanish Proverb:

“A Life Lived in Fear is a Life Half Lived.” 

As the great Kurt Vonnegut says, “So it goes.” I’m living again. 

Decovering this love for myself has also left me wanting more, striving for more, dealing with more, and hoping for more. The daily fight doesn’t keep me down but rrather further motivates me to prove myself. To continue to tread where people tell me no to go or maybe that I don’t belong. I am choosing the path in which my life will take and if people aren’t on board then they are not coming with. 

For wild people the beauty of our journey is that there is going to be someone there that will encourage, motivate, and inspire us to move further and reach so much higher. 

So why are we settling for someone or something less then we deserve. We need to own our wants, our desires, our pursuit of pleasure. 

Positivity Friday’s:3

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects.” – Albert Einstein

This week my professor also said something similar, “goal-setting=success.”  So this week I’m very motivated by setting and reevaluating my goals. I will be a successful and achieve when even everyone doubts me.


Gratitude:

1. Laughing at school.

2. A really great dinner with my partner and two friends.

3. Passing my summer course.