untitled

This post is starting without a title. Although by the time I’m finished I’m sure that one will magically have appeared there. The title for me is usually the outline of the post and gives me for of the fundamentals of the topic that I build off from. Today I will flow a bit off the cuff.

Entering into a relationship less then a month away from exiting a very serious one is usually seen as the rebound relationship. I have no reservations about what the relationship that I’ve entered into but I understand the perspective of the people around me. My parents with their concern that I’ll be left a broken shamble again. My siblings that think I bounce arond without every really looking to fix myself. My friends that are away from me thinking that I am just rebounding and my friends that are close to me seeing that I’m making wiser decisions then that of my choices a month ago.

Without having reservations myself about what this relationship means I do take care the opinion of others. I don’t want to argue my point by completely diminishing their concerns. After all, what are friends and family for if not to care for your personal well being? I think what I’m wishing to see come from these groups of people is encouragement and understanding.

I will say it now and maybe louder and prouder then I normally may, I AM NOT PERFECT. In fact, I am a very fallible human being that struggles daily with my mental processes that are quite damaged. I recently had to admit to myself that my eating disorder has yet again reared it’s ugly face without want or warning. I love furiously and unconditionally with little to no return by those that I enter into relationships with. I’ve said it before, but I struggle with suicidal ideation. I can at times be very obnoxious and strong willed. I want what I want and dammit I want it now. I swear like a mechanic and I enjoy sex immensely. I have faults and I embrace my faults. I wear them like a badge because I am not ashamed of them. Should I be?

The reason I went mention all these faults is because I refuse to stop living my life to the fullest because of them. I will not stop loving like crazy because I may want to die tomorrow. What if I never want to kill myself again (and what a glorious day that will be)? Would I have then wasted my life in a sort of depressive purgatory because I need to “fix myself” first.

Let me make this perfectly and abundantly clear:

I do NOT need to be FIXED.

On June fourth I no longer had to stand on egg shells. I no longer had to be someone or something I’m not. I have never been so in love with the feeling of being liberated from a controlling situation in my entire life I will celebrate it to the end of my times. I will celebrate it by not allowing another person to treat me like a failure. I am not broken if I get lost every now and again. I am just lost and I will find my way back.

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