Sex with you

i imagine it is an intoxicating drink

a sip of home brewed beer

and fuzzy warmth at the bottom of my stomach

a tasting a pour over dark roast

tickling the back of my tongue and

stimulating all parts of me

and entirely intoxicating feeling

spinning my mind

explodeing the ends of my nerves

action potentials burning like flames

it’s control over my body

my mind and heart

turning logic into a thing of the past.


meet me in a town far away.

a secret only you and i have.

an adventure we both crave at the base of our souls,

intertwined with the familiarity of home.

because where ever you are,

there too is my home.


food is my every thought.

you laugh and I suppose it’s because

you think it’s funny. in a,

“everyone likes pizza and donuts.” kind of way.

like everything else i’ve been forcefed my whole life; 

“women don’t cuss.”

“don’t let a man think you’re smart.”

“no man will love you if you weigh that much.”

“don’t talk about your mental/eating disorder.”

i’m not supposed to talk about it. 

well, here we are and food is all I think about.

it’s not all that funny in the end. in a,

how many calories is in that?

if i eat this now than i can’t eat that later.

i’m so hungry, drink it off.

i’m starving, sleep away the pain.

i can’t eat that. 

i can’t eat that. 

i can’t eat that. 

i can’t eat today. kind of way. 

when i shower, 

my imperfections occupy my mind.

i’ll only have half my normal breakfast. 

getting ready for the day.

clothes are too tight.

 i want to scream. 

i want to die. 

only an apple for lunch. 

can’t wear this. 

something else.

something else.

in public you see a three hundred pound ogre. 

my clothes shrink two more sizes and now it’s hard to breath. 

i’ve already eaten too much.

failure, no slef-control. you’ll never be successful. 


in a weak state of hunger i eat dinner.

i hate you.

see how uncomfortable and antsy you are? 

no eating for two full days. 

i am always thinking about food.

i have an eating disorder.

i haven’t won yet but i try.