my favorite function of our love

is that the desperate pit of loneliness

the crawling spikes of self-hatred

that traveled up my spine and stabbed my heart

has disappeared in the strike of the moment

that i laid eyes on you.

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On being chronic collector… 

… Or nesting. 

I get told often enough that I “have a lot of stuff.” I do.  There is no point in denying it or trying to paint a different picture. I’m fairly eclectic and I dabble in many different medias and interests. Usually when I pack I feel like a majority of my burden is getting my books in boxes. Boy do I have to a lot of books. The second biggest problem I have is my movies. However, I had just spent two hours removing them all from their cases into media binders for easier transportation. A hard decision that wasn’t made easily in anyway. 

I was once called a “media whore.” A term I neither like nor agree with. I love stories and try to absorb them in anyway possible. It’s a product of how I was raised; a gift from my mother. It may be born from bedtime story time where my mother would have my siblings and I (an occasional neighbor boy from time to time) pull our pillows and blankets to the floor in our bedroom doorways. We’d lie on the floor as she read us stories. She’d never miss a voice. My biggest memory of this is the story of the Christmas Tree, the one that was too big to fit in any house so it kept getting clipped until it was just right for a mouse. I loved it. 

Stories. I like watching them, reading them, writing them, crafting them, and imagining them. It’s a big part of my nest.

Nest. What a choice of words but that’s what it is. It’s my comfort zone. For ten years I’ve floated from one apartment to another room to another apartment to another room and the story goes on. I did this fighting major depressive disorder with general anxiety, PTSD, and suicidal ideation. The only way I was comfortable is surrounded by my collection of things. My movies, books, music, and craft supplies. I Used to describe my home as my things instead of a place where shared memories with loved ones are created. 

With those two explanations I don’t deny that I have a lot of things. I am not a hoarder if that is the impression you’ve gotten. I am actually quite clean and very capable of giving to thrift stores. I just don’t live the life of a minimalist. I just hope that better explains why someone might have a lot of things. Maybe, it’s deeper then absorbing the newest media trend (which is also not me, books I tell you.) 

Subtle

I suppose that there is some kind of skill set that I wasn’t born with or every honed for myself in which people practice being subtle. I am not subtle. I am loud and in your face. I am a load of passion mixed with unmanaged enthusiasm. I am the girl your parents warned you about.

Why? Because we are taught not to defend ourselves. We are taught to fake it till we make it. We are taught that that is the way it is. Every jobs sucks, people are always going to be mean, your professor will always be unfair to you, and the person you are is not the person people want to see.

Well, sorry folks, for some strange reason I was gifted with the ability to defend injustices as I see them. I spent a lot of my formative years in detention as a result. I have a few close knit friendships rather then an abundance of acquaintances. I will not allow someone to treat me as less then I am. I fight tooth and nail for the education I receive. I write letters to deans and encourage students to fight for better education as well. I admire the professors that are strict and intellectual rather then the ones that provide “easy A’s.” And these same personality traits are exemplified in my work place.

I do not accept less. I expect more.

 

iamImproving

This semester I’ve dubbed self improvement semester. Not only will I pass my first “college” level math class but I will also be improving personality traits that affect my day to day life. It’s just the start of becoming a better person and practicing what I preach. 

This week specifically I’ve been trying to live with my embarassing moments, talking in front of others, and asking for help when needed. For me, all these things equal and embarassing moment. I for the life of me cannot go up to a teacher in class and ask for the help I need even though all the students around me are in the same predicament. What a foolish way to be. 

The other day I walked into my class late, instited that I wasn’t actually late this time, and sat down in the front of the class. Low and behold I learned that this was in fact the class prior to mine. It had about ten minutes left and I had just made a fool of myself. I apologized and scurried out. Changing my thought patters to think that “no one will remeber or care that I just did that,” probably saved me from leaving the campus all together and not attending my class that was directly after that one. I thought, I don’t know anyone in that class except for the professor so who cares? Well, I did end up knowing one girl but I still maintained the who cares attitude and feel better. 

Now today I couldn’t ask my teacher for help in a crowded room although the girl in front of me raised her had upwards (pun intended) to twenty times. I can’t allow this to happen again. I will not allow this to happen again. Especially since I really have no clue how to do maths. Remember, I said I will pass this gods forsaken class that has destroyed me in the past. Becides, numbers and rules should not have such control over your life. 

I’ll leave you with that War Girls. 

IamFuriosa

I am Furisoa is a brand new blog that I have created to discuss some of my “seize the world” thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I’m going to start it out by giving everyone a little bit of an about me which in all will sum up this post today.

I am just a small town girl and despite the romanticism that Journey has put on that role it isn’t as great as it seems. I suppose outside of the lack of stimulation that one gets in a dying mill town the worst part about my upbringing was the Religious and Misogynistic oppression that came of it.

There are so many things that I want to accomplish. I have finally decided to start a bucket list which I was often against during my earlier years. Starting out my bucket list I have: earning my Ph.D, Hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, Scaling Mount Everest, and adopting my children. There are so many more that I’d like to do but this is among the top of my list.

I discovered ambition only two years prior to this post. I’ve never fallen in love with something so completely then this. I am going to school to pursue a doctorate degree in Forensic Psychology and going to class has more romance in it than a relationship. It knows my desires and fills my heart and mind with the knowledge I so crave. It’s my warmth at night and my constant companion in the morning. It is the subtle kiss that reminds me that I am loved because I do in fact love myself despite my personal problems.

So without further ado I am a 29 year old woman that barely makes a dime to pay her way. I am a woman that struggles daily with suicidal ideation and anorexia nervosa. I am a follower of Christ who is also a liberal and a feminist. I am a woman that needs no one to hold her hand to accomplish the things she is going to accomplish. This is a very important phrase that I want everyone to be quite aware of:

I AM a woman that needs NO ONE to  hold her hand to accomplish the things SHE IS going to accomplish.

Please be aware that I am not a girl that is here to be used and abused by any man or any woman any longer. Please be aware that I am a force to be reckoned with and there will of course be a reckoning.

So why “IamFuriosa?”

Furiosa, recently portrayed by Charlize Theron in the newest Mad Max film truly is the wild force that no man or woman would want to go against. An independent fighter for oppressed people of that fictional world she was written into. I say peoples because she was a beacon even for Max and a lowly War Boy as well as the women she set out to save.

When recently I broke off a relationship and was treated as if I were a crazy irrational girl, insert Taylor Swift song here, I looked to my inner Furiosa for strength to endure the slander of that ex and pursue the wild and crazy path that my heart was so set on before I even met that man. I am going to be successful. I am going to help people and make such a mark on the world that Furiosa will be the woman I become.

I suppose that this journey and this blog is that of the birth and life of my Furiosa.