body positivity 

it doesn’t always happen for me

but when it does

i have to grab it with all my life

so when i don’t have it

i have encouraging memories to aspire for.


Body Image…

…or how I don’t have the right one.

Body image. Shit will this topic every take one for the team and just disappear already. I am not happy in my skin. Whether or not that is due to what society had pushed on me all my life I don’t like it. When I lived in my skin hangs loose from weight loss, my breasts are not the perky American style, I have scars littering it, skin literally revolts against anything put on it or anything that I consume, and I still have a ways to go in my struggle with weight. 

When that is where I am in my own time imagine the struggle I have when listening to others talk about body images that they deem fit for humans. I get equally upset when someone calls a man too fat or too skinny. If that man is put down for not having a six pack.

Then there is the struggle of what your partner looks at. That image doesn’t match you at all and you think twice about whether or not you are actually fulfilling them in any way at all.

I think society is so keen on torturing people into disorders and they are completely aware of what they are doing. They don’t care if you are falling to pieces as long as you fit into their size 0 clothes and you don’t have any sagging skin either. You must be perfectly fit to associate with them.

I am doing this rant because at this point I think my eating disorder has done it’s irreversible damage. I’m too scared to even tell my doctors that for two years I had anorexia nervosa and that even now I struggle with and uncategorized eating disorder. That I can’t consume certain things because I’m scared of weight gain and that the hunger pains I get are often so intense that I can’t move.

Why is it okay for a gay man, of all people, tell me that I’m not skinny enough causing me to crash into my disorder with full force. Why is it okay for a classmate to discuss people as fat or not fat? Why is it okay for stores to sell clothing that don’t fit any average persons body type and if you do find your size it’s actually three sizes smaller? Is that meant to encourage me to lose weight? More then anything it encourages me to break down into tears live in self loathing.

Models can’t be tattooed. Why? Women can’t have stretch marks. Why? Men can’t be skinny they have to be built. Why?

Better question: Why do we allow it?

I’m Fat!

I’m not entirely sure where to start this entry at. Most people when there hear me talk about the varying ways that others have tormented me because of my weight instantly go into a, “but you’re so skinny” defense mode.’

I currently weight 160lbs give or take a few due to water weight and so on and so forth. I used to was 285lbs before I stopped weighing myself. I was such a failure in my own eyes, like I had mentioned before,  and I gave up.

I don’t have a flat stomach and I’m suppose to be accept my body for it’s imperfections. Unfortunately, I cannot accept my body shape. I lost weight originally because I lost my job and could no longer afford a steady meal. However that turned into an eating disorder that stemmed right from my childhood.

Today it’s been four years since my eating disorder took hold of me and spread like wild fire through my veins. It burned me to the ground and I became a decaying carcass on the side of the road. 138lbs of dried hard leather and bone.

Some people may look at me and say, “138 isn’t that skinny.” Oh well, when your 5’6″ and you are a big boned woman 138lbs makes you look like you’ve been dying for years. Now that I’ve gained 20lbs, give or take a few, I’m still not at all happy.

I’m still struggling to this day with an eating disorder. It takes a lot out of me to not go to the gym every day. I look at many many calories every day. I look at anything and everything I eat as either good for me or extremely bad for me.

Here’s the thing that makes me upset right now. With the body positive world emerging I want to be happy with my own. But I’m not. I’m so angry that my stomach is flabby, my arms look like saggy wings, and my tits have no form, my thighs not only touch but have extreme make out sessions daily. Still, every day there is still someone that says, “Oh you’re so skinny.”

And my heart descends to low depths. I look more closely at what I’m eating and go to the gym more. I start to weigh myself more and more.

I just want someone to help me be healthy and not just try to figure out how to love my body the way it is. This is truly what I want and I can’t because I look sickly when I don’t eat and I feel like a bloated whale when I do.

This is not a positive post but this is an honest one.