Body Image…

…or how I don’t have the right one.

Body image. Shit will this topic every take one for the team and just disappear already. I am not happy in my skin. Whether or not that is due to what society had pushed on me all my life I don’t like it. When I lived in my skin hangs loose from weight loss, my breasts are not the perky American style, I have scars littering it, skin literally revolts against anything put on it or anything that I consume, and I still have a ways to go in my struggle with weight. 

When that is where I am in my own time imagine the struggle I have when listening to others talk about body images that they deem fit for humans. I get equally upset when someone calls a man too fat or too skinny. If that man is put down for not having a six pack.

Then there is the struggle of what your partner looks at. That image doesn’t match you at all and you think twice about whether or not you are actually fulfilling them in any way at all.

I think society is so keen on torturing people into disorders and they are completely aware of what they are doing. They don’t care if you are falling to pieces as long as you fit into their size 0 clothes and you don’t have any sagging skin either. You must be perfectly fit to associate with them.

I am doing this rant because at this point I think my eating disorder has done it’s irreversible damage. I’m too scared to even tell my doctors that for two years I had anorexia nervosa and that even now I struggle with and uncategorized eating disorder. That I can’t consume certain things because I’m scared of weight gain and that the hunger pains I get are often so intense that I can’t move.

Why is it okay for a gay man, of all people, tell me that I’m not skinny enough causing me to crash into my disorder with full force. Why is it okay for a classmate to discuss people as fat or not fat? Why is it okay for stores to sell clothing that don’t fit any average persons body type and if you do find your size it’s actually three sizes smaller? Is that meant to encourage me to lose weight? More then anything it encourages me to break down into tears live in self loathing.

Models can’t be tattooed. Why? Women can’t have stretch marks. Why? Men can’t be skinny they have to be built. Why?

Better question: Why do we allow it?


Unlikely Pairing…

…or why love has to be likely?

This is not a blog about being in love, yet. This is a blog about spending time with someone that is incredibly special to you. This is a blog about the image of that person and yourself not making sense to society. This is a blog about how I truly am a walking conundrum and I don’t care.


  • a confusing and difficult problem or question.
  • a question asked for amusement, typically one with a pun in its answer; a riddle.

I think for a majority of my life it really did bother me what other people though of the person I was involved with. I never looked for someone that matched me in aesthetics or personality. I looked for someone that met me in terms of heart.

There is something attractive about the sexual orientation of Pansexuality. I have embraced this lable to the fullest. I never felt comfortable being straight, gay, or bisexual. I would rather fall in love with personality. Half the joy of falling in love is finding the secret hidden behind the person’s eyes. The person that is inside them, their thoughts, their passions, and so much more.

It’s one of the reasons that I feel in love with Diane Arbus’ work. She could capture, what some would call (and what some would not), the soul of the person. I can’t imagine life where my focus were only on the way someone dresses, weighs, does their hair, or overall looks.

I’m here now to say that I no longer allow society to define for me whom I should love. Why would I assume anyone else knows my heart, mind, and soul. Who are they to know what I yearn for? I yearn for someone that inspires me. I yearn for someone that makes me laugh and cry by sharing experiences with. I want unconditional love, strong passion, and ambition that stretches miles.

Today I was told that someone I care about and myself make an “unlikely pairing.” I thought about it for a while trying to see if in fact we were an unlikely pairing. I am truly inspired by this person. He has passion in what he does and I think that is incredibly sexy. We laugh together and we complement each other. I love the aesthetic that we make as a pairing and I don’t understand how  nobody else does.

There is a breeze out in the world and it’s bringing awareness. We can start changing the tides by being with people we truly want to be with. Doing this without care of what people think. It’s our lives not theirs. Lets live them.