everytime:

everytime a woman’s rapist goes free,

i feel forced down and brutalized all over again

everytime a woman loses her rights over rape

i feel a fist to my face before i’m sexually assaulted

over

and over

again.

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 i once was told 

that people don’t feel their clothes

ya know, during their day to day lives

as a person with anorexia

i feel every fabric-

every pull and give as I move

elastic, well that’s my nemesis 

and I’m conscious of how it looks

and I’m conscious of what people see

and I feel that too. 

Subtle

I suppose that there is some kind of skill set that I wasn’t born with or every honed for myself in which people practice being subtle. I am not subtle. I am loud and in your face. I am a load of passion mixed with unmanaged enthusiasm. I am the girl your parents warned you about.

Why? Because we are taught not to defend ourselves. We are taught to fake it till we make it. We are taught that that is the way it is. Every jobs sucks, people are always going to be mean, your professor will always be unfair to you, and the person you are is not the person people want to see.

Well, sorry folks, for some strange reason I was gifted with the ability to defend injustices as I see them. I spent a lot of my formative years in detention as a result. I have a few close knit friendships rather then an abundance of acquaintances. I will not allow someone to treat me as less then I am. I fight tooth and nail for the education I receive. I write letters to deans and encourage students to fight for better education as well. I admire the professors that are strict and intellectual rather then the ones that provide “easy A’s.” And these same personality traits are exemplified in my work place.

I do not accept less. I expect more.

 

iamImproving

This semester I’ve dubbed self improvement semester. Not only will I pass my first “college” level math class but I will also be improving personality traits that affect my day to day life. It’s just the start of becoming a better person and practicing what I preach. 

This week specifically I’ve been trying to live with my embarassing moments, talking in front of others, and asking for help when needed. For me, all these things equal and embarassing moment. I for the life of me cannot go up to a teacher in class and ask for the help I need even though all the students around me are in the same predicament. What a foolish way to be. 

The other day I walked into my class late, instited that I wasn’t actually late this time, and sat down in the front of the class. Low and behold I learned that this was in fact the class prior to mine. It had about ten minutes left and I had just made a fool of myself. I apologized and scurried out. Changing my thought patters to think that “no one will remeber or care that I just did that,” probably saved me from leaving the campus all together and not attending my class that was directly after that one. I thought, I don’t know anyone in that class except for the professor so who cares? Well, I did end up knowing one girl but I still maintained the who cares attitude and feel better. 

Now today I couldn’t ask my teacher for help in a crowded room although the girl in front of me raised her had upwards (pun intended) to twenty times. I can’t allow this to happen again. I will not allow this to happen again. Especially since I really have no clue how to do maths. Remember, I said I will pass this gods forsaken class that has destroyed me in the past. Becides, numbers and rules should not have such control over your life. 

I’ll leave you with that War Girls. 

liberation

lib·er·a·tion
ˌlibəˈrāSH(ə)n/
noun
noun: liberation; plural noun: liberations

•the act of setting someone free from imprisonment, slavery, or oppression; release.

•freedom from limits on thought or behavior.


The past year of my life was a bit of a mess and a whole lot of turmoil that I never wish I had gone through but know that I would not be the strong person that I am today. Even on days that I don’t feel strong and put together I know that I can make it through because I made it through the last year. I survived a year of a one way relationship full of my own constant heart break. To look at the definition of liberation I look at the second part, “Freedom from limits on through or behavior.” I was so limited that I even started to doubt achieving my dream at any cost. I started settling for less then what I wanted to achieve and what I deserve. I will not ever accept that again.

I will always celebrate my liberation because I also get to celebrate the love that has come from it.

You need something more “CUTE”…

…or as I like to say, “FUCK YOU.”

Some days I get extremely bored with myself. SO,  I wanted to change my name for the day and picked out Dez. It is the name of a girl I know of from back home who emulates everything that I wish I were strong enough to be. She has pierced cheeks and the short hair that looks so liberating. She is tattooed and wears what ever the hell she wants to despite what the world expects woman to wear.

So I choose Dez for the day to instant rejection from a fellow coworker. It apparently isn’t a “cute” enough name and I should go for something far “cuter” like “Brittany.”

My reaction is literally a little something like. . .

WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK.

I do not ever go through life hoping that I can get something “cute,” do something “cute,” wear something “cute,” or be called something “cute.”

I am not here for that garbage. I am here to kick ass and take a couple names. I am here to live my life freely to the beat of my own heart not the electric strumming of some societal heart. Do not treat me like a something to be put on a shelf.

I have once been told that swearing shows a complete lack of intelligence. However, let me tell you how sometimes there is no better word then Fuck to express your anger with someone.

As a future doctor I certainly would appreciate it if you don’t treat me like a dim witted, lack of intelligence, moral-less, easy to get bimbo. I an here to dominate the world. I will do that named Symantha, Fox, Dez, Furiosa, or even Brittany. But do not tell me that I need to pick something “Cute.”

Again, Do not try to control that which you can only follow.

Positivity Fridays: 5

Don’t Make Change Too Complicated, Just Begin!

When life hit me harder then ever before I didn’t even stumble when change came knocking my way. If I didn’t take hold of the beautiful things that came my way I would be absolutely miserable right now. I would not be living. I’d still be chained down and oppressed.


Gratitude Journal:

1. Doing well on my first exam for my 2nd Summer Semester Class.

2. Spending a relaxing morning with my Partner.

3. Not having to wear my heart monitor anymore.