I’m Fat!

I’m not entirely sure where to start this entry at. Most people when there hear me talk about the varying ways that others have tormented me because of my weight instantly go into a, “but you’re so skinny” defense mode.’

I currently weight 160lbs give or take a few due to water weight and so on and so forth. I used to was 285lbs before I stopped weighing myself. I was such a failure in my own eyes, like I had mentioned before,  and I gave up.

I don’t have a flat stomach and I’m suppose to be accept my body for it’s imperfections. Unfortunately, I cannot accept my body shape. I lost weight originally because I lost my job and could no longer afford a steady meal. However that turned into an eating disorder that stemmed right from my childhood.

Today it’s been four years since my eating disorder took hold of me and spread like wild fire through my veins. It burned me to the ground and I became a decaying carcass on the side of the road. 138lbs of dried hard leather and bone.

Some people may look at me and say, “138 isn’t that skinny.” Oh well, when your 5’6″ and you are a big boned woman 138lbs makes you look like you’ve been dying for years. Now that I’ve gained 20lbs, give or take a few, I’m still not at all happy.

I’m still struggling to this day with an eating disorder. It takes a lot out of me to not go to the gym every day. I look at many many calories every day. I look at anything and everything I eat as either good for me or extremely bad for me.

Here’s the thing that makes me upset right now. With the body positive world emerging I want to be happy with my own. But I’m not. I’m so angry that my stomach is flabby, my arms look like saggy wings, and my tits have no form, my thighs not only touch but have extreme make out sessions daily. Still, every day there is still someone that says, “Oh you’re so skinny.”

And my heart descends to low depths. I look more closely at what I’m eating and go to the gym more. I start to weigh myself more and more.

I just want someone to help me be healthy and not just try to figure out how to love my body the way it is. This is truly what I want and I can’t because I look sickly when I don’t eat and I feel like a bloated whale when I do.

This is not a positive post but this is an honest one.